article from Dan Coulter
September 16, 2009
DREW’S MOVING OUT
By Dan Coulter
Drew, our 25 year old son with Asperger Syndrome, is moving out. It’s such
a major event in our lives; it triggers a cascade of thoughts and memories.
Kids grow up, become adults and move out. But not always, and not always in
that order. Sometimes adult children need to move out to complete the
growing up process.
That’s a particular issue with children who have Asperger Syndrome. Even if
you’re trying hard to prepare them to be independent, it’s hard to stop
doing things for grown children living at home that they need to do for
themselves. Particularly when it seems some things won’t get done unless
mom or dad steps in.
So, even if children are not ready to move out, at what point are they ready
enough? At what point will living on their own engage mental gears that get
them to take on responsibilities that their minds identify as “mom and dad
stuff” as long as they live at home?
It can seem like a Catch-22 situation. We think they can’t move out until
they’re managing their own lives, but they won’t have an incentive to manage
their own lives until they move out.
Will Drew’s launch be successful?
My wife, Julie, and I, think it will.
Drew’s doing a lot for himself now, and moving out can be the incentive to
have him pick up the rest. Plus, he’ll be moving just a 10 minute car ride
away. A lot closer than when he went to college a 10 hour drive from where
we lived. In college, Drew learned to get his assignments, finish his
homework and get to class on time without his parents. He made friends and
managed a bank account and took road trips. And he got his bachelor’s
degree in four years.
We’ve learned that Drew does a great job at the things he’s interested in
and excited about. And he’s excited about moving out. He’s taken to singing
a line from a Billy Joel song, “If that’s movin’ up, then I’m MOVIN’ OUT!”
The process has been going well.
Drew’s realtor has a son with autism, and she’s been great. We met her a
while back when her son was in one of the videos we produce. She and Drew
looked at condos and narrowed the selection. Then, Julie and I looked at
the most likely candidates and offered our counsel. While we influenced
Drew, the final choice was his. We’ve been doing all we can to give Drew
the information and advice he needs to make decisions, and then let him make
them. We’re making sure he knows the consequences of different courses of
action and we’re reviewing all the documents before he signs them. We’re
sitting in on key meetings, and took the lead in the price negotiations.
Yes, we’re helping Drew financially, but he will be the sole owner of his
condo, letting him take advantage of the government’s current “first home
buyer” tax credit. Running the numbers, he’ll actually have lower monthly
payments than he would as a renter.
He’s making his own calls to set up his utilities, Internet access and other
services.
The condo he chose is modestly priced, but in a nice residential area.
While Drew has a car, the condo is on a city bus line. If he decides to get
a roommate to help with expenses, the roommate won’t have to have a car.
That’s just an option at this point. Drew acknowledges he’d have to search
to find a compatible roommate.
We’re also gifting him the installation of cork floors. Taking out the
carpet will help with Drew’s allergies, and putting in cork flooring will
help minimize the sound that travels from his second floor unit to the condo
below. Being considerate of neighbors is always a good thing.
Right now, we’re having daily meetings with Drew to discuss each of our
calendars and to-do lists. We’re hoping making to-do lists and keeping a
calendar will become habits for Drew, although they seem to be hard habits
for him to get into. We’re talking about continuing our meetings after Drew
moves out, perhaps weekly, as a safety net to help ensure he remembers to do
things like manage his finances and do home maintenance.
He’ll be using automatic transfers to and from his checking account for
some deposits and payments, but even then, he’ll need to check his
statements to make sure they’re accurate.
There is a bit of the silent, “I told you so,” building in my head. Not
that I want to say those words to Drew, but I look forward to having him
learn on his own the value of initiating the things we’re now reminding him
to do. Sort of like grandparents looking forward to having their children
tell them they now appreciate what it takes to raise a child.
And yes, no matter how much you’ve prepared your child to move out, you can
look back and wish you’d done more. But in those moments, it’s easy to
forget all the other things you were dealing with that also demanded your
attention. Few of us can devote all our time to preparing our children to
be independent. So, we do our best, and launch them knowing they have to
learn some of the ropes on their own.
We’ll see Drew more often than once a week. In addition to his part-time
job working at the public library, he’ll continue to work part-time for
Coulter Video, our video production business. Since completing his second
college degree, (a two-year degree in accounting) he’s been looking for a
full-time accounting job. It’s a difficult task in this economy, but he did
find an unpaid accounting internship to gain experience, and he’s doing some
accounting work for Coulter Video.
He’ll continue to work with his job coach in the TEACCH organization and our
state vocational rehabilitation department to seek the Holy Grail of a
full-time job with benefits.
For the employment DVD we’re now completing, we interviewed a number of
people with Asperger Syndrome who are working full-time. They’re highly
productive, valued employees. Several are living on their own.
Moving out is a big step for Drew. When it’s complete, we’ll all focus on
the next step of full-time employment. We know others are doing it.
We know he’s capable. We know how proud we are of all he’s accomplished.
With persistence and support, it’s just a matter of time.
Life’s calling.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR — Dan Coulter is the producer of the DVD “Asperger
Syndrome at Work,” which is scheduled for release in October, 2009. You can
find more articles on his website: www.coultervideo.com.
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