i can see myself in her
March 16, 2009
I attended a birthday party this weekend for a classmate of my daughter’s. My son was invited too as they have an older son his age who would be there and we’re friends of the family. It’s always so interesting (from the perspective of a parent of a child with autism) to observe the crowd. The neurotypical kids playing, the neurotypical kids parents sitting and chatting. My scenario (and the scenario of the one other parent there with a child on the spectrum) is much different. It’s a constant deluge of things - “mom, he won’t stop following me (my son must stay by my daughters hip in these social situations)”, “mom, I need a tissue (as snot is halfway down his face)”, “mom, I need to go potty (which means I need to follow)”, “mom, she won’t play with me”, daughter crying because her brother is chasing her, son trying to hit his sister because she won’t play with her. Then it comes to the food part of the party. My son has to sit next to his sister. She wants to sit with her friends. My son has to eat exactly what she eats. And, literally, it must be the exact same color frosting on the same size piece of cake, on the same color plate, with the same color napkin, exactly the same. If not, there will be a scene. I’m trying to make sure I keep the peace while trying not to appear that all I care about is getting my children what they want while there are twenty other children in the room. It’s a CONSTANT negotiation, action, worry, etc. The other mom’s - not so.
Just as I’m starting to feel stressed out, overwhelmed, etc. (because my husband is home sick and I’m doing all this myself), my friend turns to me and says “this is what it is like for us mom’s with kids on the spectrum”. Suddenly I feel o.k. There is another mom going through the exact same negotiation, action, worry, etc. with her son. I realize, yes, this is not easy. This is not just me feeling sorry for myself. This IS hard. Because I can see it in her eyes. I can see myself in her. I look at her and feel so much empathy for what she is going through and I realize I would feel that same empathy for myself if I were looking at me.
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